Crikey, what a weekend. I feel compelled to write and mark what has been a truly challenging and disturbing experience with strengthening and creative deliberation on this Monday afternoon. In a nutshell I was struck across the face by a man I had never met, with no warning, while cycling home in the early hours of Saturday morning. I do not wish to describe what happened, to go over those long, shaken, confused minutes yet again, but rather talk a bit about vulnerability and self expression.
Inevitably one feeling that has been strong is that of feeling of being violated. My space, my body, my emotional well being. But in order to deal with this incident I needed to let myself be vulnerable, to let myself be truly seen, so I could deal with the yo-yo of responses that have come. An ease with vulnerability is not something that come naturally to me. I have developed quite the stiff response to fear and uncertainty over the years, which has meant that my creative flow and output has been greatly hindered. But through this last year of growth and learning to get messy, make mistakes, not judge what comes and have plenty of fun with it it would appear I have learned to value myself enough to allow myself to be truly seen by the people in my life. This has also manifested itself physically this weekend, as I have been sporting a spot of bruising and swelling across the face, which makes me look part like the blue chick from Avatar with some upper lip bruising that makes me look like I have a moustache that any Hispanic man would be proud of. To hold my head high and not worry about people’s assumptions, misconceptions and awkwardness. To allow myself to be scooped up and looked after by my wonderfully caring, kind and strong fella is quite the learning milestone, and has brought us even closer together. The power of vulnerability, and indeed love:
A little something I doodled on a Cube Cinema programme while waiting for X Ray yesterday (Everything is intact. Hurrah!):
So, to conclude, I sit here at Light Box on this Monday afternoon and feel ever more determined to stay focused on my useful life of bringing creativity, empowerment, resilience and happiness to myself and others. I also came across this wonderful short and inspiring blogpost by Neil Crofts on choosing how to live life, via Action For Happiness.
As the anger, frustration, confusion and bruising subsides I am determined to not perpetuate whatever anger was brought my way with such force this weekend. Instead I take comfort and inspiration from the Buddhist teaching: “The greatest protection is a loving heart.” It didn’t prevent me from being clotheslined off my bike, Rhonda, but it will certainly protect me within the aftermath.